Fremtid

*Klichéfyldt indlæg forude*
Jeg føler lidt, at jeg er ved at bevæge mig over i det, man så populært kalder 'voksenlivet'. I'm growing up! 
De sidste mange år af mit liv har været en leg. En leg i bedste mulige forstand. Især de sidste fire år af mit liv, som har været karakterbyggende udover det sædvanlige og som har gjort mig til den, jeg er i dag. Kalenderen siger 2014, jeg har levet i snart 20 år og universitetet står nu for døren for mit vedkommende. Jeg skal flytte til et andet land, studere på et andet sprog end mit modersmål og jeg skal have skabt mig en hverdag i en kultur, jeg indtil nu kun har oplevet udefra. Jeg glæder mig. Enormt meget. Jeg kan slet ikke rumme hverken mig selv i disse dage. Men nok så meget som jeg glæder mig til den næste store etape af mit liv, så er det godt nok også med et tungt hjerte, at jeg siger farvel til de sidste fire år.

Jeg startede på gymnasiet d. 11. august 2010 og selvom det er over fire år siden, så kan jeg stadig tage mig selv i til tider at savne at sidde der, dér på Aalborghus Gymnasium omringet af de dejligste klassekammerater, man kunne ønske sig. Vi var nok egentlig alle sammen lidt forvirrede og mærkværdige, men jeg kunne ikke have bedt om bedre mennesker at dele min dagligdag med. Jeg elskede hver eneste dag, jeg glædede mig altid til at komme i skole og jeg var til tider den eneste, det er jeg helt sikker på. Jeg følte egentlig aldrig, at jeg sådan rigtigt passede ind; de andre havde interesserer, der lå milevidt fra det, jeg godt kunne lide at lave. Der var mange af dem, der ikke kunne forstå, hvorfor jeg blandt andet havde brugt en måned af min sommerferie på noget så kedeligt at studere spansk i Spanien. Jeg havde altid svært ved at følge med til pigeaftenerne, når de andre snakkede om deres vilde byture eller deres seneste erobringer. Og jeg skulle altid finde på en undskyldning for hvorfor jeg ikke ville deltage i deres alkoholrus. 

Men på trods af alt det - så følte jeg mig altid tilpas i min klasses selskab, og det var den bedste følelse i hele verden. Og selvom det var en fantastisk følelse at få huen på hovedet, så kan jeg tydeligt huske den tristhed og følelse af tomhed, der indtræf om aftenen, den dag, jeg blev student. Da jeg lå der i sengen og skulle til at lukke mine øjne. Jeg var udmattet efter den fantastiske dag, og selvom jeg ikke kunne lade være med at smile, så græd jeg salte tårer indeni. Det var slut. Et helt fantastisk kapitel af mit liv var slut idet jeg gik ud af eksamenslokalet den dag. Og i det øjeblik, jeg trådte ud af skolens hoveddør for sidste gang, på dimissionsdagen, der fløj mine tanker hen på min første skoledag.  Jeg kom for sent, og jeg var så nervøs, at jeg var lige ved at kaste min morgenmad op igen. Jeg finder med nød og næppe den store sal, og rektor er allerede i fuld gang med at byde de nye elever velkommen. Og næsten lige som jeg er trådt ind af døren, begynder han at læse  klasselisterne op. Og inden jeg får set mig om, er han kommet til 1.c. Mit hjerte springer et slag over. Det er første gang, jeg hører navnene på de mennesker, jeg skal dele hverdag med de næste tre år. Vi skal alle sammen gå op til ham og følge vores tutorer ud til vores givne klasseværelse. Jeg kigger ned i gulvet, da jeg går forbi hvad der føles som en million mennesker. Jeg føler alles øjne på mig. Hende der, hun kom for sent, derfor måtte hun stå nede bagi og nu går hun the walk of shame, imens hendes klassekammerater alle sammen dukker op fra deres sæder på stolerækkerne. 

Og så kigger jeg op. Endnu en gang finder jeg mig selv på vej imod rektor. Men denne her gang er det for at modtage mit eksamensbevis. Frugten af tre års arbejde. Det bevis, der skal markere, at det er slut. 3 gode år er kommet til en ende. Jeg var ved at forlade noget, jeg aldrig kunne vende tilbage til.

Imens jeg stod der, med beviset i hånden, foran en propfyldt sal med ekstatiske afgangselever og deres stolte forældre, kunne jeg ikke lade være med at tænke på, hvor meget Aalborghus har betydet for mig. Hvordan jeg var vendt tilbage til skolen i starten af både 2.g og 3.g efter at have været på sprogrejse. Jeg tænkte på, hvordan jeg kunne stå der, i 2013 og stadig med ekstrem præcision huske den person, jeg var, den dag i 2010, hvor jeg kom for sent til min allerførste skoledag. Hvordan jeg prøvede at forestille mig, før jeg overhovedet var begyndt, hvordan de næste tre år ville blive for mig. Om jeg ville komme til at holde af det. Studenterdagene var glade dage, men tanken om, at jeg aldrig skulle vende tilbage lå i baghovedet hele tiden.

Men jeg vidste jo, at mit liv kun lige var begyndt. Foran ventede der jo det, jeg elsker allermest - rejser i massevis! Først en herlig ferie til Japan og så begav jeg mig jo ud i noget, jeg egentlig aldrig havde troet, jeg ville kaste mig ud i, nemlig et sabbatår - jeg ville jo ikke 'spilde' tiden, når jeg kunne gå direkte fra gymnasie til universitet. Men jeg gjorde det - og selvom det har været den vildeste rutsjebanetur, så ville jeg ikke have haft det på nogen anden måde. Da jeg startede i 3.g, havde jeg allerede lagt mig fast på, at jeg skulle være i au pair, når jeg gik ud af gymnasiet. Det eneste, jeg manglede at finde ud af, var såmænd bare, om det skulle være i USA eller i New Zealand. På grund af manglende visa'er til danske au pairs, blev New Zealand udelukket og jeg gik i gang med at ansøge til USA.  Jeg gik hele mit sidste gymnasieår og glædede mig. Der var rigtig mange mennesker, og især min mor, der tvivlede på, at det var rigtige for mig. Og det viste sig jo så senere, at de havde ret. Men jeg tog af sted alligevel og selvom det gik så galt, at det i nogens optik nok ville kunne beskrives som en katastrofe, så ville jeg heller ikke have haft det på nogen anden måde. Jeg havde en fantastisk tid, indtil jeg endegyldigt bevidste overfor mig selv og alle andre, at det ikke var meningen, at jeg skulle blive der i et helt år. Men jeg fortryder ingenting, hvor selvhøjtideligt det end lyder. Klichéfyldt, men hvor er det bare sandt. I bussen på vej hjem til Santiago fra Valparaiso i Chile så jeg filmen 'This Is War' med Reese Witherspoon. Ikke videre intellektuel film, men ikke desto mindre blev der sagt noget, som jeg hæftede mig fast i. 'Jeg tror ikke på fejl. Det er dem, der har gjort, at du er her i dag.' Og det fik mig til at tænke over Texas.

Det var jo en fejl, der fik mig til at tage hjem. Men det var også en fejl, at jeg tog afsted i første omgang. Det var af de forkerte grunde og det var ikke fair overfor nogle af os, der var i situationen, men det var især ikke fair overfor min værtsfamilie, som stod helt magtesløse tilbage. Men det var ikke fejl i den forstand, at det er noget, jeg fortryder og som jeg ønsker, at jeg ikke havde gjort. Det er nemlig gået op for mig, at hvis jeg ikke var taget hjem, så havde min fremtid ikke set ud, som den gør nu. Og det gør mig uendeligt taknemmelig for, at jeg valgte at tage hjem og i stedet for at give mere op, kæmpe for nogle andre drømme, som jeg nærmest havde opgivet, da jeg valgte at tage til USA. Jeg havde fået en drøm smadret og så tænkte jeg, at jeg egentligt ikke havde mere at tabe. Så et par uger efter jeg kom hjem, havde jeg købt to ting; En flybillet til Argentina og adgang til det system, hvormed man ansøger til skotske universiteter. Argentina var langt fra planlagt, men jeg tænkte, at det nok skulle gå. Det gjorde det så heldigvis også. Så november og december blev, udover massiv julehygge, brugt på at skrive ansøgninger, indsamle referencer og undersøge alle de muligheder, jeg havde for at blive optaget i Skotland. Drømmen var blevet lagt på hylden, da jeg ikke fik det 10 i gennemsnit, som de kræver for overhovedet at tage min ansøgning i betragtning. Jeg fik den sendt afsted og hvad der føles som en evighed af lange nætter, der blev brugt på at skrive, kunne få en ende og jeg kunne begynde at se frem til at tage sydpå.

Jeg tog afsted d. 6. januar, lykkelig over at have fået julen med derhjemme, men ikke desto mindre klar på varme og luftforandring. Og måske virkede jeg calm and collected udadtil, men ser jeg tilbage på nogle af de beskeder, jeg udvekslede med mine venner om aftenen d. 5, da jeg lå i København og skulle flyve mindre end 24 timer senere - så er det tydeligt, at det var jeg bestemt ikke. Tanken om, at jeg tog afsted for at være væk i 6,5 måned hjemsøgte mig, og jeg var så bange for, at jeg ikke kunne klare det. Jeg tror på mange måder, at Texas havde givet mig en falsk frygt for, at jeg ikke kunne klare at være væk i længere tid. Men det var jo ikke derfor, at jeg tog hjem derfra og det blev tydeligt, da jeg kom til Sydamerika. Alle mine bange anelser og bekymringer blev ikke til noget. Jeg var slet ikke klar på at tage hjem, da det blev d. 15 juli. Hele mit eventyr, og især Buenos Aires, blev endnu mere fantastisk, end jeg nogensinde havde turdet håbe på. Jeg har stadig, her 1,5 måned efter, jeg kom hjem, ikke helt opfattet, at det faktisk skete og at det ikke er noget, jeg har drømt. At jeg fik lov at opleve noget så formidabelt. Og det har vist mig især en ting; der er ikke noget i hele verden, jeg ikke kan klare, så længe jeg har mennesker, der tror på mig.

Buenos Aires blev uden tvivl den største del af Sydamerika for mig. Jeg kan huske en aften i Cartagena i Columbia, hvor jeg sad på mit vandrehjem og snakkede med en utrolig sød svensk pige. Hun havde både boet i Frankrig, Irland og Australien, men var alligevel også interesseret i at høre om mine ydmyge rejser. Jeg forklarede hende, at jeg egentligt var taget til Sydamerika for at besøge mine venner i Chile og Brasilien, men alligevel var endt med at bruge 3 måneder af min tid i Buenos Aires, hvor jeg ikke engang havde nogle venner til at begynde med. Hun fortalte mig bagefter, at mit ansigt havde lyst helt op, da jeg begyndte at snakke om Buenos Aires. Hun kunne se på mig, hvor glad jeg havde været for at være der, selvom hun knapt kendte mig.

Og det bedste moment på hele min tur fandt jo selvfølgelig sted i Buenos Aires. Det var i minutterne efter, at jeg havde åbnet en mail fra det britiske ansøgningssystem, der lod mig vide, at der var nogle, der havde reageret på min universitetsansøgning. Jeg kunne ikke logge ind på portalen hurtigt nok, og jeg husker tydeligt, at jeg var lige ved at færdiggøre arbejdet, da jeg så mailen. Internettet var lige vendt tilbage på hostel, da klokken slog 15 og min arbejdsdag var slut. Jeg vil gerne sige, at jeg tog det helt køligt, men jeg tror jeg udstødte et mindre skrig, da mine øjne læste ordene 'unconditional offer'. Jeg manglede en opgave mere, indtil jeg kunne call it a fyraften, så jeg gik ind på et værelse og dansede glædesdans, imens jeg gjorde værelset præsentabelt - min krop hamrede med adrenalin og jeg kunne slet ikke rumme hverken min glæde eller situationen. Det sjove i det hele er nemlig, at jeg bare 9 dage forinden havde været til en informationsaften hos Universidad de Palermo i Buenos Aires og jeg overvejede kraftigt at ansøge der og bosætte mig i Argentina. Der var mange, der ikke var glade for den tanke og jeg tøvede også rigtig meget med at gøre det netop af den grund. Jeg havde ekstremt meget lyst til det, men jeg vidste, at det ville blive en udfordring af en anden dimension end dem, jeg er vant til. Jeg havde indtil fredag til at ansøge, og så var det som om at en eller anden højere kraft besluttede sig for at acceptere mig i Skotland om onsdagen, to dage inden ansøgningsfristen.

Efter den episode kom jeg til at tænke over, om det var af ren desperation, at jeg havde ansøgt til UP, eller om det var fordi jeg rent faktisk brændte for det. Jeg var forfærdet over tanken om nogensinde at skulle forlade Buenos Aires og da jeg blev tippet om universitetet, begyndte jeg at se det som den eneste realistiske mulighed for at blive der. Oveni det kom min stensikre overbevisning om, at jeg aldrig nogensinde ville komme ind i Skotland. Desperation. Men nok så meget som det var af de forkerte grunde, ligeså meget var det af de rigtige. Det var ligeså meget tanken om, at jeg havde en reel chance for at få et rigtigt liv i Argentina. For at læse på spansk. For at kunne bygge videre på den hverdag, jeg allerede havde skabt. Netværket. Rutinen. Men alligevel sidder jeg her, tilbage i Europa. Jeg sidder og forsøger at fordøje de sidste fire år. Mit sabbatår i særdeleshed. Uden at det var min intention, har jeg rejst en meget stor del af tiden. Nogle har endda kaldt det en jorddomsomrejse og det er vel egentlig rigtigt. Hvad der 'bare' skulle have været et år i en amerikansk forstad, blev til så meget mere. Sommerferien sidste år blev tilbragt i Japan, da jeg havde brug for at gøre 'et eller andet vildt', inden ansvaret kaldte i USA. Det blev til et par måneders arbejde i USA. Sydamerika. Et helt kapitel for sig selv. Roadtrip i Tyskland med min bedste veninde. Og nu en lille del af Storbritannien. Jeg befinder mig i skrivende stund i England. Jeg ankom til Edinburgh i fredags, gik byen tyndt i weekenden og tog bussen ned til London igår, hvor jeg befinder mig nu. Jeg så mit gyldne snit til at tage et smut til det sted, der var min version af paradis, før jeg fik øjnene op for Sydamerika. Det var også på mange måder her, det hele startede. Det var her, min udlængsel blev født. Det var her, jeg for første gang fik indblik i, hvordan du lige så stille og roligt forandres, når du på egne ben ser den verden, der hele tiden har ligget for dine fødder. Lige siden har den forandring, som London satte i gang, blomstret inde i mig. Og endelig skal jeg prøve det, det, som jeg har ladet op til de sidste par år; jeg skal skabe mig en hverdag i et andet land. En hverdag, jeg ikke behøver pille fra hinanden om et par måneder. Denne her gang er der ingen returbillet og selvom det er skræmmende as fuck, så er det også det, der er det bedste ved det hele. Jeg er klar.

ENGLISH It's now Setember 2nd, the year is 2014 and my gap year is officially over. The past four years have been a dance. I won't hesitate to state that they've made me who I am. They created the Sofie who's now on the edge of starting a new life. I've been alive for 19 years and after 13 years of school and one year in the school of life, I'm now ready to go to university. But this isn't just about starting some kind of higher education; it's just as much about that fact that this is the time where I moving to another country. For realsies, this time. Not just for a couple of months. This is going to last at least 4 years, if everything will go the way I planned it to. I'm not gonna use the word 'supposed', because that could very well jinx it. I'll move away from Denmark, start studying in a completely different language than my native one and I'll be creating myself a new life overseas. A life I've been waiting to start ever since I first smelled the taste of what life can be like when you leave your country to go discover what else the world has to offer. I am utterly excited and my words can't quite cover it. But, with that being said, a new beginning also marks an ending. I'm finished a chapter - something that has to be done in order to able to start a new one.  I'm saying goodbye to four essential years of my life and even though I'm bursting with excitement for what's to come, it's also with a heavy heart I give my farewell to the past four years of my life. 

I started high school on August 11th in 2010. Although it's been almost a year and a half since the last time, I can still catch myself longing to be back at my school, surrounded by people I eventually grew to appreciate a whole lot. I guess we were all a bit odd at times.. but nowadays, when I look back, I realize that I really couldn't have asked for better people to be around in the daily grind. I always enjoyed being at school and the number of days where I wasn't looking forward to another day can honestly be counted on one hand. At times, if not always, I'm sure I was the only one in my class. To be honest, I never really felt as if I fitted with the rest of my class; my interest were profoundly different from everybody else's and to give an example, a lot of my classmates couldn't get it into their heads why on earth I wanted to spend my summer in Spain to do something as boring as attending a language school. I always found it hard to keep up when we were having our occasional girls night where they kept on talking about their latest hook ups or how they were so incredibly wasted the night before. 

But, despite all of that, I always felt comfortable whenever I was around my class and that was just about one of the nicest feelings in the whole world. It was beyond amazing to finally graduate and be able to wear the hat that symbolized the end of it all, but one of the things I'll always remember the most clearly is a feeling of immense sadness that filled my heart that day, just when I closed my eyes and went to sleep at night. I was laying there, in my bed, ready to relax after an exhausting day. I couldn't stop smiling, but yet, inside the tears were streaming down my soul. It was all over the minute I closed my eyes. I could never go back. Nothing but memories to keep me warm. A chapter had seen its end. A chapter so character building that it's hard to put into words. It ended the moment I left the examination room that day. And when I stepped out of the front entrance on the day of our graduation, I couldn't stop myself from reminiscing my first day of school. I was late (oh the horror!) and I remember being so nervous that I almost threw up my breakfast. I have trouble finding the main hall and when I do, everybody else is seated and already listening to the principal welcoming the new students. A second after I enter the room, he begins to list all of the new classes and before I know it, it's my class, 1.c. My heart skips a beat. He reads all of the names. He's reading the names of the people with whom I'm going to spend the next three years. We all have to walk past him and follow our tutors to our assigned classroom. I stare at the floor and while I walk up to him, I try to make myself invisible. But I'm not. The hall's filled with what feels like a million people, a million eyes. All looking at me. My future friends all rise from the chairs. Turns out, I was the only one who arrived late. I look up. Once again, I'm walking towards the principal. But this time, I'm walking towards him to get my certificate. Again, every eye is on me. But this time, it's not because I was late. It's because I kept going. The certificate marks the end of three amazing years. Three tough, inspiring and fantastic years. It marks the ending of something I'll never get back.

While I was standing there with the certificate between my hands in front of a hall packed with my fellow students and their proud parents, my mind started to wander. I thought of how important that school turned out to be for me. How I'd come back slightly depressed in the beginning of the 2nd and 3rd year after a language travel. How that school had helped me develop my love for languages and of course, Spanish in particular. They gave me a scholarship in order for me to be able to pursue a dream of mine and study in Spain. I thought about how easy it was, standing there three years later and still being able to remember exactly the person I was that first day. About how I had tried to imagine what it'd be like, what the next three years would look like. Before it had even begun. I wondered if I was going to like it. The days that followed the last exam and the graduation were happy days, but the thought that I'd never go back still lingered in the back of my head.

But after all, I was fully aware that my life had just begun. Less than a week after my graduation, I embarked on my first journey - the following year would be packed with what I love the most - travelling! First up was a lovely holiday in Japan and then I commenced something I actually never thought I'd do - I took a gap year. Somehow I'd gotten it into my head that a gap year or just a plain year without attending school would be wasted. Thank god I didn't hold on to that thought, huh? So I did it and even though it's been a hell of a crazy ride, I wouldn't have had it any other way. When the third year came around, I'd already made my decision regarding my year after graduation. I was going to be an au pair and all I needed to do was decide whether I wanted to go to New Zealand or the US. Due to the lack of visas for Danish au pairs, New Zealand was excluded and I began writing my application to move to the United States. I was so excited during my last year despite a lot of people questioning my true motive for wanting to look after kids in another country. Especially my mom was sceptical. And it turned out she was right in the end. But off I went and even though it turned out to be what somebody would categorize as a disaster, I wouldn't have had it any other way either. I had an amazing stay until I proved to myself that I wasn't supposed to stay there for an entire year. And despite everything that happened, I don't regret anything. It sounds downright pompous, I know. But it's true. While I was in the bus home from Valparaiso to Santiago in Chile, I was watching the movie 'This Is War'. In case you've never heard of it, it's a very cliché movie with Reese Witherspoon. It's not very intellectual, but they did say something that was still stuck in my head when I reached Santiago a few hours later. 'I don't believe in mistakes. It's mistakes that make us who we are.' And then I started to think about Texas.

It was a mistake that made me end my stay and return home after only 2,5 months. But it was also a very bad judgment that made me go in the first place. I was mistaken and it wasn't fair to any of us. It was especially not fair to my hostfamily. But not a mistake in the sense that it's something I regret, something I wish I hadn't done. Not so soon after I got accepted into university, I realized that if I hadn't gone home, my future wouldn't be looking the way it does right now. And that makes me so incredibly thankful for the fact that I chose to go home and instead of giving up again, finding the courage to fight for my things I really wanted, the things I had given up on the moment when I decided to settle and go the US. One of my dreams had been shattered and I figured that I didn't really have anything else to lose. And I was right. So a couple of weeks after my return, I paid for two essential things; a plane ticket to Argentina and the UCAS-fee. UCAS is the Universities and Colleges Admissions Service in the UK, in my case, Scotland. I had no clue about what I was gonna do in Argentina and I kinda left it at that, started writing my application for universities I never ever thought I'd get into and that's how November and December were spent. We're talking endless nights of writing my personal statement and collecting academic references. It felt like it was going to last forever. But one night, I finished and I could finally start looking forward to leaving for South America and finally enjoying Christmas to the fullest. Nobody but a couple of my friends knew that that was what I had spent my time at home doing. Not even my family knew. I wanted to keep it a secret since I was honestly convinced that I'd never stand a chance.

So, on January 6th, I left Denmark. I was so happy to have had the opportunity to spend Christmas in Denmark with my family, but I was so ready to leave again. Ready for new adventures and a change of scenery. Maybe I came off as calm and collected when I left, but if I read some of the messages I exchanged with my friends on the night of the 5th when I was in my bed in Copenhagen, it's very obvious that I was in fact nowhere near okay. I was terrified. Less than 24 hours later I was gonna hop on that plane and it was gonna take me to a place where I had no plans, no friends, nothing. The thought of my return ticket being 6,5 months away scared the shit out of me. What if I hated it? When I think about it, I'm pretty sure Texas left a very bad mark on me regarding these kinda things. I think I was scared that I wasn't gonna be able to be away for a longer period of time. But it wasn't really the thought of being away from Denmark that scared me, because I knew deep down that that wasn't gonna be a problem at all. I really don't know what it was. I knew I hadn't left Texas because of homesickness and it became even more clear when I got to Argentina. All my irrational worrying was completely pointless. Completely. I was nowhere near ready to leave, when July came around. Everything turned out to be amazing, even more amazing than I could have ever hoped for. Even now, 1,5 months after my return, I still can't quite get it into my mind that it happened. That I finally got to see my South American friends after years of waiting. That I was so insanely lucky to get to experience something this marvelous. My trip taught me many things, but the single most important thing I learned is that anything's possible as long as you have people who believe in you.

Buenos Aires turned out to be the biggest part of South America for me. I remember a night in Cartagena in Colombia where I was chatting to a very friendly Swedish girl. She had spent periods living in France, Ireland and Australia, yet she was still interested in me telling her about my modest travels. I explained to her how I had come down there to visit my friends in Chile and Brazil, but had ended up spending three months in Buenos Aires where I didn't even have any friends to begin with. Later on, she told me how the topic 'Buenos Aires' had brought a special spark to my eyes. She told me how I had lighted up when she asked me about Argentina. She could tell, just by looking at me, how much that place means to me. And she barely knew me.

And the best thing about my whole journey of course took place in Buenos Aires. Claro. And that brings me back to today. There's a point with all of this, you'll see! The best thing on my trip, maybe even the best moment in all my life so far: It was how I felt in the following minutes after opening an email from UCAS. They wanted to let me know that somebody had reacted to my application. I couldn't log into the portal fast enough. I was just finishing work that day and it was 3pm. The wifi had just returned after almost a week's absence. I'd love to say that I was completely cool and collected, but I'm sure I let out a teeny tiny scream when my eyes read the word 'unconditional offer'. I had one more job to do before I could call it a day, so I went into a room to clean it, locked the door and started dancing. I was filled with adrenaline, I could scream at the top of my lungs if I had let myself go totally crazy. I couldn't contain myself in that moment. Not myself nor my happiness. It wasn't only amazing, but also funny. Comical. The funny thing is, that no more than 9 days prior to this day, I had been at the Universidad de Palermo in Buenos Aires attending an information night for prospective students. I was strongly considering applying to study there and that way stay in Argentina. To live, for realsies. A lot of people didn't approve of that and because of that exact reason, I had many doubts about doing it. I hesitated. I wanted to do it so badly, but at the same time I was well aware that it was gonna turn out to be a challenge of another dimension. The deadline for applications was the following Friday and I'm pretty sure some higher power decided to accept me into Aberdeen just two days before I had to make the decision.  

All this got me thinking; why did I apply to UP? Was it out of pure desperation or did I genuinely want it? The thought of ever having to leave Buenos Aires haunted me and it made me sad. When it came to my ear that UP was hosting informative nights and after I went and lost my heart to it, I started seeing it as the only way out if I wanted to stay in Argentina. On top of that came my conviction that I'd never get into Scotland. Desperation. But just as much as it was for all the wrong reasons, it was also for all of the right ones. Just as much as it was the thought of having to rotten up back in Denmark (no offense, I still love you), it was also the thought of being able to create a real life in Argentina. To get the opportunity to continue what I had started instead of having to leave it. I wanted to study in Spanish.  I wanted to continue building the life I had already started creating down there. The network. The routine. But yet, here I am, back in Europe. I'm trying to get an overview of the past four years and by that, trying to digest them. Japan, the US, South America. Right now, my location is England. I arrived in Edinburgh on Friday and took the bus down to London yesterday. I seized the moment to go back to the place, the place that could boast itself of being my version of paradise before I discovered South America. How beautiful and symbolic, ain't it? In many ways, this place was where it all started. This was the place where I first discovered my wanderlust. This was the place where I, for the first time, gained an insight into a world that opens up to you the moment you decide to go see it. This is where I felt myself changing for the first time. Ever since then, the change has been growing inside me. It has led me to this. I'm going to Aberdeen on Saturday. I'm moving abroad. And that's why I'm doing this. Not because I need to do it. It's because I want to do it.